Working with parents and guardians

“There’s no such thing as a resistant client, only inflexible therapists.”  Becoming Solution-Focused in Brief Therapy 1st (first) Edition by Walter, John L., Peller, Jane E. Published by Brunner/Mazel Inc. (1992)

Why this quote?  Many therapists feel competent working directly with the child, but so much more is often required than “fixing the child.”  Many children lack the essential building blocks which they need to thrive, or even achieve their personal, basic, optimal health.  Expanding capacity for intervention almost always requires partnership with a parent/guardian.  This is the child’s first and often most important teacher.

Sometimes environments need to be altered, relationships need to be improved, basic needs need to be met.  Sometimes communication and interactions need to be adjusted or improved.  This does not necessarily mean that a parent is a bad parent, but the needs of some children are different from others.  Sometimes talents, strengths, assets, resilience, and interests, need to be developed.  Sometimes we forget to apply fundamental developmental information known for years, decades, generations, and in some cases, millennia.  This may require more than basic Interventional skills.  You may need to relate to, influence, and even teach a parent.

This may require flexibility, creativity, excellent communication skills, the ability to relate, demonstrate real empathy, as well as additional skills and knowledge not always common to the beginning or even many experienced therapists, interventionists, and/or teachers.

One must be very careful about telling a parent s/he is doing it “all wrong,” or that s/he must make substantial changes, unless there is a significant safety issue, to include those which must be reported to proper authorities.  Almost always the best way to help parents/guardians create healthier environments and more therapeutic supportive interactions for their children with special needs, is to praise what they are doing right, and give them slight nudges towards change.  Overtime this approach will almost always be more beneficial for both the parent/guardian, and the child.  Milton Erickson, a famous 20^th century psychiatrist believes we are all in trenches pertaining to the way we think and behave.  It can be very difficult for many of us to see or act outside the deep trenches in which we are traveling.  His very effective practice was not (in almost all cases) to try to force people to make significant changes or see things completely differently, but to help them make very moderate changes.  This would allow them to make more healthy adjustments once they were outside their deep trenches.  Often the initial change was very slight.

In what I believe was his first professional position in the field, Milton Erickson worked in a psychiatric hospital.  There was a man who had been there many years and who believed he was Jesus Christ.  Many had tried to convince him he wasn’t.  Erickson said to the man, ‘I understand you are Jesus Christ.’  The man responded, “Yes.”  ‘I understand you used to be a carpenter.”  The man responded, “Yes.”  ‘I understand you like to help others.’  The man responded, “Yes.”  ‘Well,” Erickson asked, ‘they need help in the carpentry shop, would you be willing to help?’  What could the man say, but “Yes.”  Within about six months the man was released from the hospital.  Erickson’s entire career was filled with these types of interventions.  (See: Uncommon Therapy: The Psychiatric Techniques of Milton H. Erickson, M.D. by Jay Haley) 

A little respect and positive rapport with a parent/guardian, the right amount of positive feedback, and gentle nudges in the right direction, along with patience, can usually go a long way.  Generally, you do not even need to make direct suggestions.  Well-crafted questions can be even more effective, most of the time.  How do you think you could???  What have you done in the past that has???  What has worked in the past???  What have you seen others do to???  What do you think might work???  And the last question, what do you think about trying???

Many years ago, my wife and I purchased a new car.  Repeatedly, part of the electrical system would short out.  We took it into the dealer and they would replace a fuse and try to figure out why it was shorting.  This continued for months.  The mechanics could not find the source of the problem.  Finally, on one visit a mechanic discovered a set of spare keys we kept in the ashtray.  Once the keys were removed, the electrical shorts stopped occurring.  Often, it is the same with setting events.  Once an underlying issue is resolved, the maladaptive or inappropriate behavior stops or is easily replaced with more appropriate, healthy behaviors.

The following is intended to only give you a glimpse of some of the fundamental, developmental, and general health needs of every child (and adult).  ALL the following CAN be significant setting events.  Some is essential, much is crucial… for optimal health and development.